When Good Change Feels Bad
by Sara Casey Connell, M.A.R
No one expects change to be easy. Difficult transitions such as losing a job, ending a relationship or moving to a new city where you don’t know anyone at all may require a painful adjustment period. We’re not surprised. We expect it. In these times, we call on our friends or family for support, or just to talk. We vent, we cry, or we yell out our feelings. Eventually, the feelings pass, we acclimate, and life gets better.
Thankfully, life is full of so many good changes as well. Making new friends, receiving a big promotion, and getting engaged all rank high up on the list. These kind of changes mean that life is good and chockfull of new surprises.
You’re so excited! Friends and family members squeal with delight when they hear of your engagement. You’re a vision of the picture-perfect bride glowing, radiant and on top of the world. Then, out of the blue, feelings of sadness, fear and anxiety roar through your veins. You’re stressed out, can’t sleep and your face is breaking out. This is supposed to be the happiest time of your life, so what’s wrong?
The focus here is on connecting your mind and body
Physiologically, fear and excitement register the same way in the body. Both can cause stress and an overwhelming sense of feeling out of control. External factors such as family dynamics, the handling of large sums of money, and an ever-growing “to do” list can drive some of the sanest women over the edge. So what’s a bride to do?
Well, we can’t take away the feelings or all of the stress. You’re on an adventure and big feelings are part of the deal. The good news is that there is a way to have it all - the feelings, adventure and your sanity. Here are six core concepts that you can use to transform any change into a positive, healthy experience. The focus here is on connecting your mind and body, decreasing your stress levels and realigning yourself to the bigger picture.
1) Acknowledge your feelings
Even though no one tells you so, you’re ALLOWED to have negative feelings when you’re engaged. They’re not only allowed, they’re normal. Be honest with yourself about how you really feel. Listen to your heart, your head, and your body. Check in regularly to see when you’re feeling tired or pushed to the limit.
Giving yourself permission to feel however you do in any given moment allows the feelings to pass through you, rather than rule you. Try keeping a journal and write down your thoughts and feelings as they arise. Take some quiet time on a regular basis to soak your troubles away in a long, hot bath.
2) Take it easy
Avoid scheduling too many appointments with vendors on a single day. If your brain is fried, postpone a social event to just spend quiet time alone or with your partner. Choose at least one day a week where you don’t talk about the wedding and you spend time simply enjoying each other’s company. Getting a great night’s sleep is crucial. Consider setting aside a few minutes each night to read or meditate. There’s a good chance you’ll wake up the next day refreshed and with more energy to plan your wedding.
3) Get Support
Ask for help. Create a support team of people with whom you can be totally honest about all of your feelings the good, the bad, and the ugly. These are friends or family members whose only job is to listen as you express yourself truthfully. You can thank these angels with a card, gift, or by simply being there the next time they need you. If you’re finding it tough, consider scheduling time to talk to a therapist or a life coach to guide you through this period.
4) Manage the Stress
Build time for yoga, massage therapy or other bodywork (acupuncture, reflexology, etc.) that both relaxes and balances you on the mind-body levels. Consider a weekly treatment during the high stress times. Holistic therapies will address the psychological and physical manifestations of stress, and will leave you feeling markedly better.
5) Connect to the Good
When you feel irritated or resentful toward your loved ones, remember why you’re going through all of this. Imagine yourself having the wedding of your dreams and beginning a life with this amazing person whom you deeply love. Connect to that initial feeling of excitement in your body when you said, “Yes!”
Take some time with your fiance’ to write a joint vision of the wedding, honeymoon and your future life together. This is a fun exercise that you can do at your favorite coffeehouse on a lazy Sunday afternoon. Read over your list everyday or every other day in order to keep your eyes on the prize. This exercise will help keep you on the same team and connecting to life beyond the wedding.
6) Laugh
We know it’s good medicine and it feels great! Have fun with friends. Watch silly movies. Poke fun at the crazy things that come up during the planning stages. Laugh a lot and you’ll move through your bad days with grace and ease.
Following this roadmap with a flexible attitude and open heart can help you transcend the struggle and stress of any change. You can experience your spectrum of feelings, take care of yourself AND enjoy the penultimate wedding planning adventure. This is my wish for you!
Namaste.
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