Working Together
by An Interview with Taunya Woods
By Alison Lonesome Rodriguez
Planning a wedding is unbelievably difficult. Two people juggle their work schedules to create this emotional event, while struggling to find time just to hang out with each other. Throughout this process couples negotiate with each other to create a wedding that reflects both of their visions.
Recently, I had a chance to sit down with Taunya Woods, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor, to discuss the challenge of working together as a couple. She reveals several tools to help couples come together for the wedding and create a marriage that works for both of them.
Wedding Vision
Alison Rodriguez: When you’re planning a wedding, you find out a lot about your fiance’s opinions and thoughts about weddings. You’ve been dreaming about this day your entire life, but now you have to deal with this person who has his own vision for the wedding. How do you learn how to create a wedding to suit both of your needs?
Taunya Woods: Communication is absolutely crucial. It’s important for you to come together for the wedding, before you start a life together as a family. Decide what kind of a wedding that you both want. I suggest that you create a realistic budget that works for both of you. If one of you is working multiple jobs just to pay for the wedding, that decision may have a lasting effect on your marriage. One of you may build up a resentment that can come out in later years.
Because money is such a big issue in relationships, discuss your financial priorities. Is it more important to have a $30,000.00 wedding, or a brand new house? How do you feel about incurring credit card debt for the wedding? Do you have a plan to pay off the debt after the honeymoon? There are no wrong answers here, but you need to make a conscious decision as a couple.
Are you flexible about your vision? If you create the wedding without any regard for your spouse, you could cause friction in the relationship down the road. If that kind of mindset continues in your marriage, your spouse may get tired of putting the focus on you all of the time. On the other hand, is your fiance’ a penny pincher who created the wedding budget without any respect for your vision? Is he/she unwilling to entertain any of your thoughts about the wedding? This could also be a red flag. Healthy couples try to live in the solution, not the problem.
The way you work together for the wedding will indicate the way you’ll face challenges in your marriage. Weddings are beautiful and wonderful, but you have to live after that. Take some time to talk about your life together after marriage in order to create a strong foundation.
Seeing the Real Person
Alison: During the engagement, you may discover new character traits about yourself and your partner that are not very pleasant. How do couples deal with these problems and issues as they arise?
Taunya: At some point you may take off those rose-colored glasses in order to see your partner more clearly. When problems come up, and you find yourself arguing about little things, try asking yourself these questions:
- Am I being selfish?
- Am I being fair about what he/she is feeling?
- Am I looking at the problem or the situation objectively?
Obviously, these questions deal with different issues, but they may help when problems come up.
Figure out what is a negotiable and what is a non-negotiable for you. Is this particular issue something you two can work on together, or is this something that directly affects your livelihood?
If you have concerns about your partner, be honest with your feelings. Set aside some time early on to calmly talk to him/her about your concerns. Feel free to role-play this conversation with a friend before you talk to him/her.
If he/she offers you feedback about your own character flaws, are you able to listen with an open mind? Will you work on the character defects on behalf of your relationship? This is very important because issues are bound to come up. The most important thing is to continue working as a couple.
I would suggest going for pre-marital counseling for a nice length of time before the wedding. This would give you the opportunity to discuss in-laws, money, sex, relationships, religion, communication, family roles and expectations.
Marriage as a Partnership
Alison: We all grew up with different role models for marriage and family. How can couples create a loving marriage that will grow and mature with them?
Taunya: Marriage will not be a bed of roses everyday. Times will be hard. You won’t agree on everything just because you’re married. Are you in it for the long haul, or do you have one foot of the door? Marriage is a long-term partnership that requires commitment and understanding.
A good way to strengthen a relationship is to connect with your partner on a friend or companion level. What are his/her likes and dislikes? Have you made an effort to find out more about his/her passions? He’s liked hockey, for instance, a lot longer than he’s known you. Are you trying to find out more about the sport, or have you watched a hockey game with him on TV?
Alison: But, Taunya, what if you don’t like some of his passions? What if he’s crazy about hockey and the very thought of going to a game makes you ill? What’s wrong with having your own likes and dislikes? For instance, I enjoy having afternoon tea at the Peninsula Hotel. My husband has absolutely no interest in that, so I share that time with one of my girlfriends. That works out just fine for us. If I didn’t have my own likes and dislikes, I might expect him to fulfill all of my needs.
You may start making plans without thinking about him at all. He may begin to wonder when he’ll ever see you.
Taunya: You’re right. There’s nothing wrong with having your own likes and dislikes. There is a danger in creating a whole separate life that doesn’t include your husband. Let’s say you love going to plays, and he couldn’t be bothered with that nonsense. With whom will you share this part of your life? Maybe you’ll see plays with your friends, and everything will be fine. But, if you’re living your life as a single person and finding hobbies that don’t include him at all, you’re in danger of creating a wedge in the relationship. You may start making plans without thinking about him at all. He may begin to wonder when he’ll ever see you.
We’re all different and every couple has their own way of working. What I’m saying is that it’s important to come together in your passions to find out more about the other person. It will help strengthen your marriage. Both of you don’t have to know everything about your passions and your hobbies, but it makes a difference if you both try to find out a little bit more about them.
I’ll give you an example. I have a friend whose husband really loves to go fishing. My friend is very feminine and often wears 3-inch heels. One day she decided that she’d like to find out more about his hobby. She joined her husband and a few other couples on a fishing trip out in the country. She didn’t realize that the main fishing area was in a swamp, and the only shoes she wore were her 3-inch heels. In spite of everything, she wore those heels in the swamp and did her best to fish right alongside her husband. He had a nice little chuckle that day, but he thanked her for trying.
That’s what it comes down to...just try. You’re not perfect, and the marriage will have its ups and downs. If you work together and try to live in the solution, your marriage will become stronger everyday.
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