Seven Marriage Myths you Can't Afford to Ignore
by Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D.
If you’re like most people, you probably entered into marriage with a number of unchallenged assumptions in place. These assumptions may have been about what marriage is and entails, about love, or about your spouse. While you may have already bumped into reality concerning some of your assumptions, you still may be operating with others firmly in place.
Why should you be concerned if this is the case? Because what you aren’t aware of can blindside you down the marital road, that’s why. Life throws in enough surprises on its own, so you don’t want to be caught off guard unnecessarily.
Review Your Assumptions for a Reality Check
The following misguided assumptions can get you into trouble in your marriage:
1. You should always feel loving toward your spouse.
It’s not realistic to think that you’ll always have loving feelings toward your spouse. There are occasions when Lee and I are upset with each other and we don’t like each other very much. We may have to make an effort to remind ourselves of the other person’s positive traits.
At those times, we know that underneath all of our upset feelings we still love each other, but the predominant feelings we’re experiencing are anger and hurt. And it’s difficult to feel loving when you’re frustrated, feeling resentful, or harboring anger toward your spouse.
That’s when it’s vitally important to clear the air as soon as possible so you can be in harmony with your spouse and get those loving feelings back.
2. Love should consistently feel the same way.
Feelings vary in intensity over time. It’s just not possible to experience forever the ecstatic feelings that can be there when a relationship is new and you’ve just fallen in love. At that time, every sensation is ultra intense and heightened.
But the feelings associated with the initial or honeymoon period of every relationship eventually change. Love deepens and grows in different ways.
Of course, there are still wonderful highs, but there are other feelings in the cycle of love that you also experience--a rhythmic waning and waxing of desire, the enjoyment of companionship, and the comfortableness of knowing someone well and sharing a history together. Love has many faces and produces a variety of feelings during a marriage.
3. Your spouse should just “know” what you need without you having to tell him or her.
It’s not unusual to feel that if your spouse really loved you, he or she would somehow be aware of your needs and desires without having to ask you. But in reality, most of us do rather poorly when we try to second guess someone else or try to “read their mind.”
This particular assumption leads to many hurt feelings in a marriage. “He should have known that I wouldn’t want to celebrate my birthday with his family.” Or “She should have known that all I wanted from her was a little understanding and sympathy.”
When this happens, spouses often erroneously conclude that their spouse must not love them or they would have been more tuned in to their wishes and needs. But the responsibility to let your spouse know what you need and want ultimately rests on you. Give your partner feedback and clues so he or she can have the information needed to make different choices.
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