Seven Marriage Myths you Can't Afford to Ignore
by Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D.
4. If you really love each other, keeping a loving relationship shouldn’t take much work.
I’ve heard this or statements similar to this numerous times. But the sobering reality is that relationships always take a lot of work.
It’s a challenge to keep the communication channels clear of debris and residue from disagreements. It takes time and effort to follow up by checking with the other person to be sure that things aren’t building up under the surface and that everything is truly okay now.
This process can be compared to housecleaning. You can clean the house one week, but by the next week it needs cleaning again. It’s a constant cycle--the same is true in a marriage relationship. What you ignore doesn’t just go away; it stays right where it is, waiting for more dust or debris to collect on top of it.
5. Being married lets you off the hook in the romance department and sets you up in the sex department.
This assumption has tripped many spouses up. As a counselor, many times I’ve heard the statement, “But I thought now that we’re married, I didn’t have to do all of that romantic stuff I used to do.”
Often this is said when the marriage problems are already serious and the marriage is in crisis. It just makes good sense to take the offensive and make the effort to find ways to be romantic throughout your marriage. If you do, you’ll be accumulating those “good will” bank deposits or “brownie points” that Lee likes to talk about.
And as for thinking that marriage assures you of unlimited great sex without any extra effort on your part, that’s a fantasy. Emotional intimacy sets the stage for great sex and depends on good communication, plus a host of other qualities such as sensitivity and empathy, all of which take work.
6. Your spouse will speak up and tell you if he or she is unhappy in the marriage.
This is an assumption which has been the undoing of many marriages. The reality is that numerous spouses are uncomfortable with anger and are afraid that expressing it will damage the relationship. So they try to bury their feelings and pretend that everything is okay.
It pays to be observant and pay attention to your spouse’s tone of voice and non-verbal communication. It also pays to learn to disagree without attacking each other and to be respectful even when you don’t understand how your spouse could possibly have such odd ideas.
When you create a safe environment for discussing your real feelings, you increase the likelihood that your spouse will gain the courage to share from the heart with you. You can help this process by taking the lead in making yourself vulnerable by sharing your real feelings in a respectful way.
7. The commitment expressed in your wedding vows is enough to sustain your relationship.
The commitment you made to your spouse and marriage on your wedding day was certainly important--and it counts for a lot. But it’s not enough.
It’s all-too-easy to treat the marriage commitment as a one-time thing, when the reality is that a satisfying, healthy relationship requires daily commitment--over and over again, day by day. It’s similar to what individuals do who are successful in 12-step programs for sobriety--they recommit to their sobriety each day.
The recovering alcoholic may say, “Just for today, I’m sober, with God’s help.” The spouse with a successful marriage makes a daily commitment, also, even if it’s unspoken--"Today I will honor my marriage and be the best supportive partner I can be.” It’s that level of daily dedication and commitment that makes the difference in marriages that make it and those that don’t.
Source: Go Articles
Copyright 2004 Wedding Chicago, inc. All rights reserved.
This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.
Print article
Email to friend