Ten Steps to Making Love not War

by Damon Taylor

Communicating in a marriage can be a difficult task, and for some it’s mission impossible. Since the majority of us don’t have access to Tom Cruise, we are often required to address the issue on our own, and for some of us, this can result in catastrophic blow ups. Addressing problems and issues can lead to rocket launches filled with verbal abuse and put downs, and often, such attacks and insults can result in complete destruction. So, how does one learn to communicate with their partner without starting world war III ? Better yet, how does one learn to be communicated to? Here are some simple, yet probably effective steps to ensuring that you get heard whilst hearing the other side.

1. Listen, listen and listen - Listening is an extremely important part of communicating. Often many of us develop an egocentric approach to arguing whereby we are convinced that we are right, and thus stand our position. Sometimes listening to the other person can allow us to understand what they are actually attempting to say, rather than what we think that they are saying.

2. Clarify the unclear - It’s important to ask questions if you are unclear about what your partner is trying to say. Often, you may find that what you thought they were saying could actually be completely different to what they are REALLY saying. Also, if you are the person which your partner is attempting to clarify things with, it’s important that you remain patient and don’t become defensive. Often you may find that you may not be explaining yourself well and your partner may be simply misunderstanding what you are saying.

3. Paraphrase - If you are unsure about what your partner is saying, paraphrase what they said back to them. For instance, “you said .....”. If you have it wrong, then your partner should be able to re-phrase what they attempted to say. On the flip side, if your partner is paraphrasing something back to you and they get it completely wrong, don’t get upset and defensive, simply put it in another way. You may find that the conflict or issue is resolved very quickly.

4. Brainstorm - Brainstorm different ways that you can address the problem between the two of you without bringing out the pepper spray. This will ensure that a collaborative approach to problems solving is achieved and will give you a foundation to solving disputes.

5. Develop rules - If you’re the type of person that becomes ruled by your emotion, then it may be of benefit to develop some ground rules. Perhaps you could set a rule whereby your voices aren’t raised above 1000 decibels, or foul play doesn’t occur. Whatever the rule, you may find that it will provide some boundaries to keeping the comments above the belt. For some, it’s important to remember that there aren’t any conversion points to be obtained by having the last say.

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