Working Together

by An Interview with Taunya Woods
By Alison Lonesome Rodriguez

Planning a wedding is unbelievably difficult. Two people juggle their work schedules to create this emotional event, while struggling to find time just to hang out with each other. Throughout this process couples negotiate with each other to create a wedding that reflects both of their visions.

Recently, I had a chance to sit down with Taunya Woods, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor, to discuss the challenge of working together as a couple. She reveals several tools to help couples come together for the wedding and create a marriage that works for both of them.

Wedding Vision

RelationshipsAlison Rodriguez: When you’re planning a wedding, you find out a lot about your fiance’s opinions and thoughts about weddings. You’ve been dreaming about this day your entire life, but now you have to deal with this person who has his own vision for the wedding. How do you learn how to create a wedding to suit both of your needs?

Taunya Woods: Communication is absolutely crucial. It’s important for you to come together for the wedding, before you start a life together as a family. Decide what kind of a wedding that you both want. I suggest that you create a realistic budget that works for both of you. If one of you is working multiple jobs just to pay for the wedding, that decision may have a lasting effect on your marriage. One of you may build up a resentment that can come out in later years.

Because money is such a big issue in relationships, discuss your financial priorities. Is it more important to have a $30,000.00 wedding, or a brand new house? How do you feel about incurring credit card debt for the wedding? Do you have a plan to pay off the debt after the honeymoon? There are no wrong answers here, but you need to make a conscious decision as a couple.

Are you flexible about your vision? If you create the wedding without any regard for your spouse, you could cause friction in the relationship down the road. If that kind of mindset continues in your marriage, your spouse may get tired of putting the focus on you all of the time. On the other hand, is your fiance’ a penny pincher who created the wedding budget without any respect for your vision? Is he/she unwilling to entertain any of your thoughts about the wedding? This could also be a red flag. Healthy couples try to live in the solution, not the problem.

The way you work together for the wedding will indicate the way you’ll face challenges in your marriage. Weddings are beautiful and wonderful, but you have to live after that. Take some time to talk about your life together after marriage in order to create a strong foundation.

Seeing the Real Person

Alison: During the engagement, you may discover new character traits about yourself and your partner that are not very pleasant. How do couples deal with these problems and issues as they arise?

Taunya: At some point you may take off those rose-colored glasses in order to see your partner more clearly. When problems come up, and you find yourself arguing about little things, try asking yourself these questions:

  • Am I being selfish?
  • Am I being fair about what he/she is feeling?
  • Am I looking at the problem or the situation objectively?

Obviously, these questions deal with different issues, but they may help when problems come up.

Figure out what is a negotiable and what is a non-negotiable for you. Is this particular issue something you two can work on together, or is this something that directly affects your livelihood?

If you have concerns about your partner, be honest with your feelings. Set aside some time early on to calmly talk to him/her about your concerns. Feel free to role-play this conversation with a friend before you talk to him/her.

If he/she offers you feedback about your own character flaws, are you able to listen with an open mind? Will you work on the character defects on behalf of your relationship? This is very important because issues are bound to come up. The most important thing is to continue working as a couple.

I would suggest going for pre-marital counseling for a nice length of time before the wedding. This would give you the opportunity to discuss in-laws, money, sex, relationships, religion, communication, family roles and expectations.

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